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The Chinese Woman

652 BC

I call this life “The Chinese Woman”, because I never heard her name during the memory. 

My different lives come to me in different ways. This one was not remembered spontaneously, like Child of God or some others, and it was not remembered necessarily in a past life regression situation, but I was having spiritual therapy of sorts.

Throughout my life I have had problems with abandonment issues, which created anxiety and depression in different ways in my current life. 

When I started working on this chapter I didn’t think there was enough of the memory for a chapter, what little I remembered where just bits and pieces. But, as I began to write down the memories my mind started experiencing a cascade of incoming information that was overwhelming my senses.

It was like a flood of moments and emotions all trying to squeeze into my head. The original small memory of bits and pieces began to be filled in the gaps with the new incoming information. Kind of like a jigsaw puzzle, all the pieces began to come together, which created a lot of stress.

I took a break and decided to call my spiritual friend Dr. Kathryn Leeman. I caught her up to speed on what was happening. She offered to help with a guided meditation, and I agreed. I would soon find out that some of my stress was related to this particular life.

As we start, Dr. Leeman suggested that my soul go to the point in time where this problem exists. Needless to say, I’ve had abandonment issues in many of my lives, as you have read about, but oddly, as we began moving through time, we didn’t stop on any of the times I was thinking of.

We continued going back, passing up those lives and stopping in 626 BC. in life as the Chinese woman.

As I arrived the memory began to come into focus, and I am aware that I am an old Chinese woman.  I look down I see that I am standing up to my knees in water, in a rice paddy.

I look around me and see all of my family members working alongside of me on this particular piece of land with me. It is family owned and we’re all working together to survive in this life.

It is late afternoon, the sun is starting to set, and different family members are stopping for the day to go back to our house, which is a distance away. 

I can see the house from my vantage point, and we can look out the front door of the house into the rice paddy so we can see each other anywhere on the property most of the time.

We are very close and keep a protective eye on each other. I’m finishing off something that I think is very important, which is causing a delay for my return home here at the end of this workday. 

I look up at the setting sun and think about the evening meal. There’s still plenty of daylight left to cook, but the day is towards late afternoon. I look up and see down the long road that stretches in front of me.

It enters our property at a great distance, comes straight into the property leading directly at me, then when it is halfway to me, it makes a sharp turn to head towards the family house.

Just before the house the road makes a right hand turn to pass the house and then it continues until it leave the property, which is quite a long distance through the rice paddy before it ultimately exits our area. 

As I am working, and I stop to glance up expecting to see an empty road ahead of me, as it was a short time ago. But shockingly, what I see is a long column of riders approaching in the distance leading directly towards me.

I blink my eyes to focus and realize it’s a big column of soldiers, 4-5 soldiers wide and extending into the distance.

As they get closer, I realize they’re not Chinese. They are traveling at a certain methodical speed, and they are coming rapidly towards me, then the road will abruptly make the left hand turn that will lead to the family house. They are marching like a machine towards my house.

They are soldiers fully dressed in armor, which for Chinese is heavy fabric armor but lighter weight and easier to fight in. Men and horses are fit to engage in battle at any moment. 

Panic fills my mind, and I open my mouth to yell and nothing comes out. I start trying to run through the rice paddy in the water and mud to get to my house. I am old and slow. I find my voice and start yelling for my family members to run, to hide, and escape because there’s bad people coming, bad men are arriving, death is on the road towards them.

I’m trying to make my way across the rice paddy, but I can’t do it, the death machine is going to arrive before I can get there. The more I try to hurry, the more I’m getting bogged down, I can’t make any progress, and my cries are lost on the wind. 

As the soldiers make their turn on the road, and about 1/3 of the column has already turned, I make eye contact with a single soldier and I realize I remember this person from somewhere, but I don’t know where, but as our eyes meet there is recognition in both our eyes.

This moment is very scary, my adrenaline is massive, and I choke the taste back in my mouth. They are nearly at my house but I am only about halfway there. The sound of feet and hooves rattle my brain and senses as they continue methodically marching.

As they pass in front of my house, some soldiers jump off their horses to enter the house. This seems bad, but I’m still trying to make my way over there, and I’m still yelling and screaming.

Just as I get to the house, the soldiers depart and catch up to their places in the column. I squeeze between soldiers making my way through to my family house. The soldiers in the column let me pass by and ignore me. No one cares, I am an old lady, I remind everyone of their grandma, I am no threat, so I am not harmed.

I am frantic to get inside of the house, but as I arrive at the doorway I am stunned as I surveyed all the carnage inflicted on my family. The soldiers have swiftly murdered everybody in the house. They have big, long sharp swords that have torn the bodies to shreds.

Every family member from babies, toddlers, moms, dads, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, the whole family is dead. It looks like a mash surgical unit with blood and body pieces everywhere. They’ve been cut to death with the swords. 

Genocide. 

Arbitrary death. 

Guilty or innocent. 

Woman or child. 

All locals must die. 

All the soldiers are methodically crossing the countryside killing everyone they encounter, all will die.  They are on the move going somewhere important and it’s a very long column. It has taken a great deal of time for all the soldiers to pass the house, and the entire army is destroying the population in the countryside for some unknown reason.

I am overcome with emotion as I look around. I’m screaming “No” so loud that my brain rattles. This is not what was supposed to happen. There are spiritual contracts and agreements that I will be killed along with everyone else.

I run out and realize that the column has passed the house, and I realize that I do not want to be left behind, so I chase them, and what I really want, more than anything, is for one of the soldiers to kill me, so I can go catch up with my family. 

It is wrong for me to be left behind.

So, I am trying my hardest to annoy them. 

I’m grabbing their legs. 

I’m yelling and calling them names.

I’m pulling on them.

I’m throwing rocks at them.

I’m hitting them with sticks and anything I can grab to anger them. 

But they continue to march away into the distance at the same rhythm and pace, ignoring me absolutely and completely. They are still moving into the distance, the long column is moving out of sight. Nobody has paid attention to me and certainly nobody will end my misery and put me out of my torment. 

I don’t know what to do. 

There is nothing to do. 

Everything has been done. 

The tragedy is history. 

I go back inside and sit down with my family members. The entire house is such a mess, but after some time passes, I decide to arrange the bodies and I begin to lay them out politely, find all the body pieces, then putting them back together like giant dolls.

I cover each of them up with special items, or their favorite things with them, clothing, childhood dolls, toys, food. After many hours I am satisfied that they are properly taken care of. I sit down with all the dead bodies and realize that this will be my new normal life. There is no one else in this entire world that I want to be with, dead or alive. Being forced to live alone is so unfair.

I pray, please, please someone kill me, to a silent room. 

Time passes and only silence. I breakdown and scream at the bodies, why did you leave me? How dare you leave me? You had no right to enter heaven without me. 

I am alone with my thoughts.

I realize that in my current life, when I heard the phrase “save yourself” in movies, my response was always “why?”

She is absolutely alone for the first time in her life.

But I personally realize that she is not drifting away like I had in other lives. No angels are arriving to save her. I see a bright light, but the Chinese Lady determines not to go to it and resolves to wait, not realizing that it will result in her being earthbound. 

Dr. Kathryn Leeman continues the guided meditation when she is sitting in the house alone with the bodies. Kathryn is looking for evidence that will point us to other lives that might be the reasons behind my abandonment issues. 

I realize that this moment feels familiar, and I cannot describe that feeling. 

Some of you may have had situations where you have a gut feeling and just know something that is indescribable. It might be coming from somewhere. 

I start trying to plug in to my higher self and to ask questions. Have you ever tried this? 

Over time I have learned to ask questions of my higher self.

You can learn this too. Ask a simple yes/no question. Imagine a light socket in front of you. As you ask the question, imagine, that you take the plug and put it in the socket.

For me, a yes means that the plug will remain in the socket and a no will cause it to fall out.

Your job is to not edit the incoming formation to match your own opinion. But, to just let the information be unedited. You should start with easy yes/no questions. 

Over the course of my life, I have used this method to communicate when asking spiritual questions of my higher self. So, at this moment, I am asking if she is earthbound and I am getting a solid Yes, she is waiting with the bodies until the natural end of her life.

But when she dies she doesn’t leave, she continues waiting in the house, physically she is not there, but spiritually, she is. The energy still remains, the influence continues and certainly the influence over me. 

I am really intrigued because she cannot stay in limbo, in spite of her being there for over 2,000 years, she is clogging my spirit, and I am having real-time problems with abandonment issues from her that are affecting my life. Which has contributed to my anxiety, plus causing me physical chest pain.

Dr. Kathryn Leeman takes me to the moment the family has just being murdered and everything I have just shared with you comes into my awareness, like a gush of knowledge and awareness.

She asks me to kind of hover there for a few minutes to look for evidence that we can use to solve our anxiety problems and I realize the words “Save Yourself” pass by across my mind several times. I shudder and realize this means something to her. I immediately responded to Kathryn to wait. This is something here to look at. 

I review her movements trying to run to the house through the rice paddy, it was very hard to move her legs, and she is yelling for everyone to “run”, “ hide” and “escape”, but someone in the house quickly yells out the door to “save yourself” it is a very faint sound but she hears it or thinks she heard it, and she reacts terribly feeling that she is not wanted.

It is a weird reaction. I am not sure if she means that she is not wanted in the house or at the death moment.

She has either heard it wrong or she thinks it means something else because she makes a vocal negative gasp and her heart seems fractured. 

Her heart pains feel like the chest pains in my current life, there is a definite correlation, it definitely feels the same.

I feel like Sherlock Holmes looking for spiritual evidence and I look around for anything to explain this reaction, but I don’t find any.

This reaction is why she has not gone to the light. She is rejected. She knows it is the afterlife. She knows it is her family. But she feels absolutely unwanted because of this tiny moment in time. I realize that this is cultural and specific to these local indigenous people, and it doesn’t make sense to me. 

I have 2 immediate questions that pop into my mind:

I am aware that the phrase “save yourself”, has 2 different meanings to her. 

First, she is offended by it, because she doesn’t want to be saved, she wants to be killed along with everyone else. In other words, to be included.

(Image)

To be part of the entire death memory. There seems to be a spiritual contract surrounding this agreement to die together. She is holding on to this idea, and was anticipating something to happen in the afterlife associated with dying together. It is not just being left behind; it is being excluded in the death story.

This entire moment resonates with me, and I realize that when I hear “save yourself” during my current lifetime it was often met with the question Why would you want to do that? Which always intrigued me. 

Second, she sees the light of the afterlife and the family members who are clearly popping up to assist her in her transition, they are in the lower part of the light I am seeing. She is stubbornly waiting for something that will never come because she feels betrayed by the save yourself statement.

I have to say that the idea of one of my past lives being earthbound really raises several questions for me. Mostly, why have I not noticed this before? I feel like I should have felt the problem or disruption in the frequency, and I guess maybe I did, but didn’t realize what it was.

I felt her abandonment as my own and it was affecting my choices and holding me back. This entire abandonment feeling that encompasses her being left behind and being profoundly excluded is reverberating in me from this exact point in time. I can taste it, and my skin is crawling.

I know this frequency, it is familiar to me, it has drifted past in my mind many times in this lifetime amplifying my anxiety and driving my experience with my own abandonment issues. 

I take a big deep breath. 

Dr. Leeman says “This is why we are here today. I believe we can fix this.” 

I suggest to the Chinese Lady to take a tiny peek into the divine light, just for clarity, and it is her choice to go. She finally agrees and realizes that her family is there waiting for her. It is an entire welcoming party for her.

People crying out that they missed and wanted her, calling her name, loving her (all the things that she needs) and they have been there all along. She acknowledges them with reverence and forgiveness.

It is not the ending she bargained for, but it will be her new ending that she is accepting. Gradually her abandonment feelings begin to vanish and are replaced with love as she goes to the light.

I fade back to myself. 

Awareness and release flood me. 

I blink my eyes. 

Kathryn says “I am filling you with divine white light. Let me know how you are feeling.” 

I take another deep breath, and I realize that I can breathe easier. My chest pain is gone, and my mind is clear.

I do realize that although she was angry that she lost her family, this wasn’t what kept her earthbound all these millennia. It was the fact that she had a spiritual contract to die in a certain way with these specific people.

It was arranged for many generations to get just the right timing for everyone involved to be alive together, at the same time, to have the same shared death experience.

I take a step back to try and understand what is really happening here. I become aware that this planned death is something she will discuss and talk about on the other side in the afterlife.

I realize that in my current life women often discuss their special stories, like their childbirth delivery stories, or other special memories, which are told over and over again. Similarly she was planning to share this death story throughout eternity.

I suddenly am aware of something very new for me that I have not experienced in any other lives.

I guess I never really thought about what happens after you are in the afterlife.

Everyone worries about dying, which is nothing to me. I have died so many times in so many ways, mostly by murder, that I don’t worry about death. Usually, you get out of your body when you die, and you end up following the light to the afterlife.

But this is an entirely different issue. She is specifically sharing the distress of not having HER planned ending, as promised by a spiritual contract, to tell HER specific ending, over and over again in the afterlife.

Where she envisioned herself, the little old Chinese lady, kind of sitting on a corner repeating this story to anyone who will listen. I have to smile at the simplicity of it.

Her version of the death experience is of paramount importance to her above all other considerations. She shows me that she requested authorization and approval from all souls involved in this life with a spiritual contract for this specific outcome. So, it could be set in stone, and manifested.

Subconsciously and spiritually, she was waiting all of her life for this ending moment. When she was denied this, it caused the wrong ending which is now written in the cosmos of the akashic record and can never be changed.

I am beginning to truly understand her spiritual distress and why she refused to leave.

For me, it is like a light bulb popping on and reincarnation looks different to me today.

She, as herself, will always be herself. I will always be me. You will always be you. One of my other lives will always be that life, not mine. As distinct as cards in a deck. I have this idea of reincarnation all upside down. You DO NOT get a new life that you get to control like this life. You do not get a do over life.

No. Your SOUL will have another spiritual experience as a different life that is directly controlled by your SOUL, not you. If you are there at all, you are simply spirit residing in the subconscious mind or aura.

You can make suggestions to that other personality in that life or offer to help it learn something that you already learned. But you do not have direct access and are not allowed to override decision making. If that personality is willing or open to you it can create amazing growth for that personality.

This is where child prodigies come from. The veil between you and the new life is open and cross-life information exchanges happen. The child picks up a guitar or chess piece or language and instantly acquires some knowledge that the other self without having to learn it new.

We are truly also interconnected with our past lives and all of our lives really in a whole new way.

Whatever happens in one life runs through all of our lives. It is not encapsulated to just one life happening at one time. These other lives can leak and affect the surrounding lives. Like a domino effect that runs into your spiritual contracts of all of those lives.

Spiritual Contracts are signed before you are born. Your parents, siblings, spouses, everyone in your current life signed a spiritual contract agreeing to something in your life, this was before you were born and this sets into motion challenges for this life to be a certain way that your soul needs.

The divine in us runs through all the lives. Universal consciousness and divine is not just connected to your current life, it is connected to all the lives connected to your soul.

Remember the bicycle wheel explanation from 1589 Venice Italy? There is a hub, which is your soul, and all the spokes are your lives. The tire connecting them all is the divine and universal consciousness that interconnects and facilitates everything.

So, tendencies can be repeated, especially bad tendencies, if cycles are not broken.  Knowledge can be shared.

But, hold on for one minute. Understanding is one thing, agreeing is quite another and I do not agree that she should have been allowed to remain earthbound. This actually angers me, because her negativity and abandonment issues affected her life. Those decisions and outcomes anchored her here so she could avoid going to the light when she should have.

We all need to finish this life, just like ending a chapter, and go to the light, which is what your soul needs. Your personality should not be allowed to determine if you stay, and this is a big problem for me. Because there is a direct connection between my current life and this past life, which resulted in massive challenges for me.

Her choosing to remain earthbound all of these millennia has permeated my other lives. I can see it. I find myself spiritually angry with her.

How dare she create challenges with decisions that affect our shared soul?

What the heck!

I can see where this life is connected to our soul. Plus, I can see my current life and the others I have shared as well. My soul is like the hub on a wheel and my lives are like the spokes. What happens to one spoke happens to all. Did this create some of the challenges in my other lives? Did she open a portal to my soul that should never have been allowed?

Does this mean that my soul came into being with a pre-determined specific number of spokes or lives already and there are no new ones being added? Are my spokes and other lives finite rather than infinite?

Or is life evolving organically and new lives are added through karma to the wheel over time? Big questions for the human brain. Holy cow.

But I can tell you this.

I feel a lot healthier now that I shared this life and remembered many of the details. Plus, I was able to get her to the light so she is no longer Earthbound.

But, I was really feeling the health issues, and I’ve always had these abandonment issues, endless abandonment issues through so many lives and feeling left behind, you know, like with my kids and all kinds of stuff. It’s been massive in my lives. But all the abandonment energy has just gone poof, I can think more clearly, and I cannot think of the negativity any longer.

But really it is strange and interesting at the same time that all this new information came up while I was trying to fill-in the gaps of this little chapter. I was originally thinking this is a seven-minute chapter, let’s just get it right and suddenly it blew up into this other big memory and it ended up being four times as big as it was to begin with.

Kathryn just helped me open the doors to the information and I thought I was going to call her, and she was going to say, it’s not that big of a deal, but instead she said we need to stop and explore this life.

But For myself, I didn’t think she was earthbound, a hundred percent. I Didn’t know how that felt having a past life earthbound as opposed to going to the afterlife. I never had one of my lives experience this phenomenon. I Didn’t know the fact that she was hanging out for 2000 years. That’s probably been screwing me up for 2000 years.

One of my big questions is If All time is happening at once.

How do you know if a life is having an issue?

You assume that everyone has died and gone to the light, then you discover trouble.

Fair enough, but that time is affecting this time and what other times got affected by that?

What else do I need to go fix, even if it’s not in the book, I’m a little concerned about my past lives, but I’m feeling great.

I’m feeling peaceful.

My chest pains are gone, and they stopped waking me up at night at all hours. You know I have already gone to the hospital a couple of times because of these chest pains. I already have a cardiologist, and they have done diagnostics and they’re already saying I’m fine, there’s nothing wrong with you.

But I realize that it is because it didn’t happen in this lifetime, and the pain of the past is now gone and I can focus on Peace.